the Lufthansa joke

I don't doubt that there may be more than one "Lufthansa" joke, but this is the Lufthansa joke I know. I learned it from my father, who learned it (as I recall) from one of his associates at the United Church Board for Homeland Ministries. If that sounds unpromising, well....

I've been told that I don't tell "jokes", but "funny stories". I must admit, I'm uncertain what a "joke" would be (if it could be told) except precisely a funny story. But I'll also readily admit that a "joke" can also be an amusing action or set of actions (excuse me for implying by amphibole that telling is not an action, while of course it is): We played a joke on Bill by putting Gorilla Snot [a musician's supply item; great stuff, buy yourself a jar and stick 'em up {endorsement designed to compensate for lack of representation of trademarks held by the creators of immediately previously mentioned musician's aide}] in his cap [while researching this post {and you can readily admit it needed research!} I discovered that Gorilla Snot is also the name of a hair-care product, and I fear it could be the trade-name of any number of products, and now I'm thinking that I should not have been so specific in my example as to have included the name, but it just seemed like the thing to do at the time: funny, and, well, quirky enough to add a little "lift", which reminds me of luft which reminds me of Lufthansa which brings me back to the point, such as it might be]. So, from my perspective what follows is a joke, but at any rate it might be a funny story, if you think it's funny. I'm pretty sure it is a story.

I have always (since I first heard the story in the early 1970's) had the impression that the joke -- or maybe more specifically the funniness of the story -- lies in part in the appropriation of an advertising campaign by Lufthansa. However, I suspect that some readers (or hearers) of this story will not have been aware of this campaign and yet will find amusement in the story. It employs repetition of a phrase paralleling repetition of the phrase in the campaign, but the mere repetition of the phrase serves to build the amusement (a similar topicality and rhetorical technique is found in the Tiger Woods joke, a.k.a. the Jack Nicklaus joke, q.v.).

Comedy, or perhaps more accurately effective comedy, has two essential elements (it may have others, but it surely has these): an alteration (often a reversal or direct contradiction) of an anticipated situation, and an assurance that harmful anticipated outcomes implied in the story (or other amusing action) are not serious, real, permanent, irremediable. It is the latter that defines "comedy" in the most sheerly technical literary sense, I believe (cf. Comedia as in Dante's use), but it is the former which seems to receive the greatest attention; the alteration is the evident, obvious, surface-literal element: the assurance is the hidden, subtle, even unconscious or subconscious element. I'll leave it to you to determine where these may be found in the following story.

It really spoils a joke to belabour it with an introduction of this ponderousness, but I look for opportunities to seem literate whenever possible as a professional c.y.a.

So, here's the joke (or at least story), which you deserve well to read if you read all the above, and may a gracious providence bring you illumination through it.

On a rainy night, Lufthansa flight 645 is leaving Newark enroute to a layover in London, and the pilot's voice comes over the intercom [in German accented English, of course]: "This is the captain speaking. Hello and welcome to Lufthansa flight 645. We are climbing to an altitude of 30,000 feet and we expect a little turbulence as we pass through the cloud layer. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened until further notice. And thank you for flying Lufthansa." This is all perfectly normal, and the passengers sit doing passenger things until the plane hits the first patch of turbulence, and the passengers on the right side of the plane (at any rate those who have not drawn their windowshades -- why do people close the windowshades in airplanes at night?) notice -- can hardly avoid noticing -- a flash, and the whole ship is shaken as something happens out on the wing.

The captain's voice comes over the intercom [still with the accent, which he has throughout; presumably he is an English-speaking German person, which makes sense if you know what Lufthansa is]: "This is the captain speaking. Hello. Some of you may have noticed that one of the engines has just exploded, and fallen off the plane. We are investigating the cause of that, but rest assured that we will reach London on time as scheduled, as we have still three good engines. And thank you for flying Lufthansa."

So everything seems fine for ten minutes or so; the plane is not showing any unusual signs of trouble, and it continues ascending towards its cruising altitude, when, bang! The passengers on the left side of the plane (with their shades down) see a flash, and everyone feels the shaking and the captain's voice comes over the intercom: "This is the captain speaking. Hello. Some of you may have noticed that another one of our engines has just exploded. And it has fallen off the plane. We are also investigating the cause of that. But the co-pilot has just completed his calculations, and we assure that we will reach London about -- half an hour behind schedule, and we apologize for the inconvenience, and thank you for flying Lufthansa."

And everything is fine for a few minutes, and then the captain's voice comes again over the intercom: "This is the captain speaking. Hello. The co-pilot and I have reached some conclusions in our investigations, and we believe that it would be prudent for those of you who can swim please to make your way to seats on the left-hand side of the plane, and those who cannot swim to make your way to seats on the right-hand side of the plane. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, and thank you for flying Lufthansa."

This is a strange request, and the passengers look around, but in the end they comply: the swimmers are on the left and the non-swimmers on the right. A few more minutes pass, and everyone in the plane sees a huge flash and feels the plane bucking and diving, and the captain's voice comes over the intercom: "This is the captain speaking. Hello. Some of you may have noticed that both of our remaining engines have exploded and fallen off the plane. We assure that we will investigate the cause of this. However, we are losing altitude and we will have to crash-land in the North Atlantic. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you. When we hit the water, all of those on the left-hand side of the plane, make your way to the exits and then swim like Hell. And all of those on the right-hand side of the plane, thank you for flying Lufthansa."