the Jack Nicklaus (Tiger Woods) joke

I learned this joke (again from my father) as "the Jack Nicklaus" joke; again as with the Lufthansa joke there could well be an infinite number of jokes about Jack Nicklaus (although I suspect not) but this is the one I know. It relies upon a culturally literate audience, although the degree of cultural literacy need not be great. Still, one must have some understanding of the tradition of Moses parting the Red Sea, of Jesus walking on water, of Jesus being God and therefore trumping Moses in the status department, as well as the merest understanding that Jack Nicklaus is famous as a world-class golfer who wrote a book about golfing.

I found, in telling the joke to teens and "tweens" in the 21st century, that Jack Nicklaus is unfamiliar (although Jack Nicholson is quite familiar, and some students develop a joke of their own, completely unintended by me, by confusing the actor for the golfer), so I have at times told it using "Tiger Woods" instead of Jack Nicklaus. I personally have so little interest in sport (if it is proper to think of golf as a sport; it is a game certainly, but is it really a sport?) that almost any name would work for me. But it has to be that of a good golfer who wrote a book on golfing to be effectively funny. Happily, Mr Woods also ("with the editors of Golf Digest") wrote an instruction manual on this game.

One of the fascinating features of any kind of story is the degree to which such replacements may be made. This is of course one of the key features of communication.

I'll also note that some of the most "sacrilegious" jokes I've heard have come from ministers and denominational executives. What's that about?

Okay, the story:


Moses and Jesus go golfing. (Suspend disbelief -- now!)
Jesus has his nose in a book the whole time they're in the clubhouse and right out on to the course.
Moses says, "Um, Lord, what is it you're reading?"
Jesus says, "This is Jack Nicklaus' book. I simply can't go wrong with this. He has everything worked out."
Moses is suitably impressed.

Moses has to admit that with the tips from Nicklaus' book, Jesus' game is definitely improving: omnipotence, apparently, does not extend to golf, and Jesus' grace is, well, not that kind of grace. But he seems to be improving.

Then they come to a water hazard, and they have to drive over the water. So Jesus checks in the book and reports to Moses which kind of driver he should use, and their caddy Peter pulls it out and hands it to him, and he whales on that puppy and off it goes, chop! right into the middle of the water.

"Um, Moses... would you please...?"

"Oh, all right, just this once." Moses raises his arms, and the water hazard rises up to either side and Jesus walks out and retrieves his ball and comes back to where Moses and Peter are standing.

Jesus says, "I don't understand it. Jack Nicklaus said that that should work. Let me read this again." So Moses and Peter wait patiently while Jesus leafs through Jack Nicklaus' book. Finally, he looks up. "I think I understand it now," Jesus says, and he slices away and off the ball flies -- right into the middle of the water.

"Um, Moses...?"

"Very well. After all, you brought us through the wilderness." So Moses raises his arms, the water rises up to either side, Jesus walks out, gets the ball, comes back, all the time reading from the book. He tries a new club, chops at the ball and -- right into the middle of the water.

"Um...?"

Moses says, "No; I'm sorry, Lord, but I just cannot."

Jesus says, "Oh, you're right. Okay, I'll take care of this." He walks down to the water hazard and walks out on the water looking for his lost ball.

Just at this moment some other golfers come up behind Moses and Peter. They see Jesus out there and one of them says, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No," Moses says, "Jack Nicklaus."