From my teacher's log:


The students discovered a typographic error in the text of the syllabus which proved quite amusing.

The third paragraph of the syllabus should have read, in part: "We expand the work on the physical aspects of public presentation: posture, enunciation, projection, gesture, and expression. As preparation for the two major (and graded) oral presentations, expect to engage in a good deal of class discussion and practice. Some of the practical exercises are a bit silly."

However, the first sentence included a spelling error -- not, though, caught by spell check, for in fact the spelling was correct, but the meaning of this passage was greatly changed -- "pubic" for "public". So, we had great fun considering the importance of posture, projection, gesture, and expression in a pubic presentation, how presentations might be preparations for oral presentations, just how important not only discussion but practice might be in preparing pubic presentations, and it certainly should not be a surprise to realize that such "practical exercises" would be "a bit silly"... As J.G. Bennett said in a similar situation, "sometimes one makes a joke without meaning to".

After class, I showed the unedited document to one of the art history instructors, the dean of students, the registrar, and the librarians -- and not one of them caught the error without being specifically directed to it.

Kudos to the FVC students!

tourette's and narcolepsy

Just imagine a person who had both Tourette syndrome and narcolepsy.

She could be standing in the aisle of a grocery store, suddenly shout "God fucking shit damn it!" and then fall to the floor asleep.




Now that's comedy.

(See the Lufthansa joke post for the technical explanation of why.)

Jesus working the pearly gates

One day Jesus decides to give Peter some time off, so he goes down to the Pearly Gates. Peter is sitting there, bored stiff, ticking off names, motioning the chosen souls into Paradise and rejecting pretenders.

"Hey, there, Rocky," says Jesus. Peter scrambles to attention, spilling some ink and knocking scrolls onto the clouds.

"I, um, I'm pleased to see you, Lord," says Peter, "what can I do for you."

Jesus lays his hand on Peter's shoulder. "Don't get up; relax. I think you're doing a great job, but you could use a break. Why don't you get out a bit? -- go fishing."

"But Lord," Peter stammers, "Who will 'bind in heaven' and all that?"

"Oh, don't worry about that! I'll take care of it myself. Go on!"

So, Peter gets up and goes off for a vacation and Jesus sits down and starts reviewing the crowds lined up to come into Heaven.

He's working at this for awhile when the spirit of a bent old man comes up, carrying ghostly tool bags. Something about the old man looks familiar to Jesus.

"Say, old man, what do you have in those bags?" Jesus asks.

"Well, these are woodworking tools: in life, I was a carpenter."

"Really?" says Jesus, even more interested. "And had you a son?"

The old man replies, "Indeed I did! He suffered terribly, but in the end he was admired by all!"

Jesus knocks over the table in his eagerness to embrace the old man: "Father!"

And the old man returns his embrace: "Pinocchio!"

the Jack Nicklaus (Tiger Woods) joke

I learned this joke (again from my father) as "the Jack Nicklaus" joke; again as with the Lufthansa joke there could well be an infinite number of jokes about Jack Nicklaus (although I suspect not) but this is the one I know. It relies upon a culturally literate audience, although the degree of cultural literacy need not be great. Still, one must have some understanding of the tradition of Moses parting the Red Sea, of Jesus walking on water, of Jesus being God and therefore trumping Moses in the status department, as well as the merest understanding that Jack Nicklaus is famous as a world-class golfer who wrote a book about golfing.

I found, in telling the joke to teens and "tweens" in the 21st century, that Jack Nicklaus is unfamiliar (although Jack Nicholson is quite familiar, and some students develop a joke of their own, completely unintended by me, by confusing the actor for the golfer), so I have at times told it using "Tiger Woods" instead of Jack Nicklaus. I personally have so little interest in sport (if it is proper to think of golf as a sport; it is a game certainly, but is it really a sport?) that almost any name would work for me. But it has to be that of a good golfer who wrote a book on golfing to be effectively funny. Happily, Mr Woods also ("with the editors of Golf Digest") wrote an instruction manual on this game.

One of the fascinating features of any kind of story is the degree to which such replacements may be made. This is of course one of the key features of communication.

I'll also note that some of the most "sacrilegious" jokes I've heard have come from ministers and denominational executives. What's that about?

Okay, the story:


Moses and Jesus go golfing. (Suspend disbelief -- now!)
Jesus has his nose in a book the whole time they're in the clubhouse and right out on to the course.
Moses says, "Um, Lord, what is it you're reading?"
Jesus says, "This is Jack Nicklaus' book. I simply can't go wrong with this. He has everything worked out."
Moses is suitably impressed.

Moses has to admit that with the tips from Nicklaus' book, Jesus' game is definitely improving: omnipotence, apparently, does not extend to golf, and Jesus' grace is, well, not that kind of grace. But he seems to be improving.

Then they come to a water hazard, and they have to drive over the water. So Jesus checks in the book and reports to Moses which kind of driver he should use, and their caddy Peter pulls it out and hands it to him, and he whales on that puppy and off it goes, chop! right into the middle of the water.

"Um, Moses... would you please...?"

"Oh, all right, just this once." Moses raises his arms, and the water hazard rises up to either side and Jesus walks out and retrieves his ball and comes back to where Moses and Peter are standing.

Jesus says, "I don't understand it. Jack Nicklaus said that that should work. Let me read this again." So Moses and Peter wait patiently while Jesus leafs through Jack Nicklaus' book. Finally, he looks up. "I think I understand it now," Jesus says, and he slices away and off the ball flies -- right into the middle of the water.

"Um, Moses...?"

"Very well. After all, you brought us through the wilderness." So Moses raises his arms, the water rises up to either side, Jesus walks out, gets the ball, comes back, all the time reading from the book. He tries a new club, chops at the ball and -- right into the middle of the water.

"Um...?"

Moses says, "No; I'm sorry, Lord, but I just cannot."

Jesus says, "Oh, you're right. Okay, I'll take care of this." He walks down to the water hazard and walks out on the water looking for his lost ball.

Just at this moment some other golfers come up behind Moses and Peter. They see Jesus out there and one of them says, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No," Moses says, "Jack Nicklaus."

the Lufthansa joke

I don't doubt that there may be more than one "Lufthansa" joke, but this is the Lufthansa joke I know. I learned it from my father, who learned it (as I recall) from one of his associates at the United Church Board for Homeland Ministries. If that sounds unpromising, well....

I've been told that I don't tell "jokes", but "funny stories". I must admit, I'm uncertain what a "joke" would be (if it could be told) except precisely a funny story. But I'll also readily admit that a "joke" can also be an amusing action or set of actions (excuse me for implying by amphibole that telling is not an action, while of course it is): We played a joke on Bill by putting Gorilla Snot [a musician's supply item; great stuff, buy yourself a jar and stick 'em up {endorsement designed to compensate for lack of representation of trademarks held by the creators of immediately previously mentioned musician's aide}] in his cap [while researching this post {and you can readily admit it needed research!} I discovered that Gorilla Snot is also the name of a hair-care product, and I fear it could be the trade-name of any number of products, and now I'm thinking that I should not have been so specific in my example as to have included the name, but it just seemed like the thing to do at the time: funny, and, well, quirky enough to add a little "lift", which reminds me of luft which reminds me of Lufthansa which brings me back to the point, such as it might be]. So, from my perspective what follows is a joke, but at any rate it might be a funny story, if you think it's funny. I'm pretty sure it is a story.

I have always (since I first heard the story in the early 1970's) had the impression that the joke -- or maybe more specifically the funniness of the story -- lies in part in the appropriation of an advertising campaign by Lufthansa. However, I suspect that some readers (or hearers) of this story will not have been aware of this campaign and yet will find amusement in the story. It employs repetition of a phrase paralleling repetition of the phrase in the campaign, but the mere repetition of the phrase serves to build the amusement (a similar topicality and rhetorical technique is found in the Tiger Woods joke, a.k.a. the Jack Nicklaus joke, q.v.).

Comedy, or perhaps more accurately effective comedy, has two essential elements (it may have others, but it surely has these): an alteration (often a reversal or direct contradiction) of an anticipated situation, and an assurance that harmful anticipated outcomes implied in the story (or other amusing action) are not serious, real, permanent, irremediable. It is the latter that defines "comedy" in the most sheerly technical literary sense, I believe (cf. Comedia as in Dante's use), but it is the former which seems to receive the greatest attention; the alteration is the evident, obvious, surface-literal element: the assurance is the hidden, subtle, even unconscious or subconscious element. I'll leave it to you to determine where these may be found in the following story.

It really spoils a joke to belabour it with an introduction of this ponderousness, but I look for opportunities to seem literate whenever possible as a professional c.y.a.

So, here's the joke (or at least story), which you deserve well to read if you read all the above, and may a gracious providence bring you illumination through it.

On a rainy night, Lufthansa flight 645 is leaving Newark enroute to a layover in London, and the pilot's voice comes over the intercom [in German accented English, of course]: "This is the captain speaking. Hello and welcome to Lufthansa flight 645. We are climbing to an altitude of 30,000 feet and we expect a little turbulence as we pass through the cloud layer. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened until further notice. And thank you for flying Lufthansa." This is all perfectly normal, and the passengers sit doing passenger things until the plane hits the first patch of turbulence, and the passengers on the right side of the plane (at any rate those who have not drawn their windowshades -- why do people close the windowshades in airplanes at night?) notice -- can hardly avoid noticing -- a flash, and the whole ship is shaken as something happens out on the wing.

The captain's voice comes over the intercom [still with the accent, which he has throughout; presumably he is an English-speaking German person, which makes sense if you know what Lufthansa is]: "This is the captain speaking. Hello. Some of you may have noticed that one of the engines has just exploded, and fallen off the plane. We are investigating the cause of that, but rest assured that we will reach London on time as scheduled, as we have still three good engines. And thank you for flying Lufthansa."

So everything seems fine for ten minutes or so; the plane is not showing any unusual signs of trouble, and it continues ascending towards its cruising altitude, when, bang! The passengers on the left side of the plane (with their shades down) see a flash, and everyone feels the shaking and the captain's voice comes over the intercom: "This is the captain speaking. Hello. Some of you may have noticed that another one of our engines has just exploded. And it has fallen off the plane. We are also investigating the cause of that. But the co-pilot has just completed his calculations, and we assure that we will reach London about -- half an hour behind schedule, and we apologize for the inconvenience, and thank you for flying Lufthansa."

And everything is fine for a few minutes, and then the captain's voice comes again over the intercom: "This is the captain speaking. Hello. The co-pilot and I have reached some conclusions in our investigations, and we believe that it would be prudent for those of you who can swim please to make your way to seats on the left-hand side of the plane, and those who cannot swim to make your way to seats on the right-hand side of the plane. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, and thank you for flying Lufthansa."

This is a strange request, and the passengers look around, but in the end they comply: the swimmers are on the left and the non-swimmers on the right. A few more minutes pass, and everyone in the plane sees a huge flash and feels the plane bucking and diving, and the captain's voice comes over the intercom: "This is the captain speaking. Hello. Some of you may have noticed that both of our remaining engines have exploded and fallen off the plane. We assure that we will investigate the cause of this. However, we are losing altitude and we will have to crash-land in the North Atlantic. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you. When we hit the water, all of those on the left-hand side of the plane, make your way to the exits and then swim like Hell. And all of those on the right-hand side of the plane, thank you for flying Lufthansa."

Holmes and Watson go camping

I've heard several variations of this. Jokes are like recipes: your own broccoli-and-mac&cheese-casserole is good (maybe) and someone else's is different but also good (maybe). I remember finding this listed as "the funniest joke in the world" (according to some poll). That may be. I think it is funny. But de gustibus non est disputandum, if I may be so bold as to use my "quasi knowledge of latin": don't dispute over taste.

I hope you know the characters Sherlock Holmes and Dr John Watson, from Conan Doyle's delightful stories. If not, see what you can do about that before you read this one.

Holmes and Watson take what for them is an unusual vacation: they go tent-camping. They come to a beautiful secluded spot, Holmes noting how macabre and violent crimes are so much more possible in the country than in the city, they set up their tent...

... after their evening excursions, they return to the tent, climb in, and bed down for the night.

After they have been asleep some time, Holmes wakes, and then rouses Watson.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you deduce."

Watson sleepily looks up at the clear night sky full of stars.

"Well, Holmes, there are thousands, even millions of stars... and some of those stars may be quite like the Sun, and if that is so, why, it seems likely that around some of those stars there may be planets revolving, and if that is so, why, some of those planets may be very like the Earth, and, well, there may be life out there, life on other planets!"

Holmes turns and looks hard at his companion.

"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

the trial (sic.) of the snail

So, this snail is lying on his shell, waving his eyestalks around, and the local constable, a turtle, finds him and turns him right side up.

"There, now," says the turtle, "what's all this, then?"

"Officer, I was robbed by a pair of slugs!" says the snail.

"Can you identify them?"

"Oh, no -- it all happened so quickly!"